DISCLAIMER: I don't own Slayers and doubt I ever will.
SUMMARY: What happens when the Slayers appear on a soap opera? I wouldn't
know, but here's an idea of what it might be like. Oh! Who am I kidding? It
wouldn't be anything like this! Are you satisfied?
-MeowthMix
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Slayers Soap Opera
By: MeowthMix
*Scene opens in a lobby at a hotel. Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, and
Filia are entering*
LINA: That hurricane came up rather fast, didn't it?
GOURRY: I'll say! You're soaked!
LINA: You're even wetter than I am, you stupid idiot! *to herself* Why must
I continue to insult the one I secretly love? It tortures me to do so! I
wish I could tell him how I really feel! But I can't, because an evil
witch put a curse on me! Anyone who knows I love them will die! It was
especially tragic for every member of my family! How I miss them and-
GOURRY: Why are you talking to yourself, Lina?
LINA: Uh... no reason.
AMELIA: Well, I suppose we'll be spending the night here.
ZEL: I just spoke with the innkeeper. He said that there are only two rooms
left so I suppose that means Amelia and I will be bunking up tonight.
GOURRY: Right. Lina, that leaves you and me.
LINA: I already figured that out, jellyfish brains! Oh! There I go again!
GOURRY: What?
LINA: Shut up! Dammit!
GOURRY: Huh?
LINA: Lets go see the rooms!
FILIA: What about me?
LINA: You can sleep in the lobby!
FILIA: Hey!
*Lina and Gourry leave*
AMELIA: So what would you like to do Mr. Ze- *ah-choo!*
ZEL: Amelia! Are you all right? You must have gotten sick from standing
out in the rain! This is all my fault!
AMELIA: It's all right, I'm fi- *faints*
ZEL: NOOOOOO! You wanted to wait until the storm was over but I selfishly
forced you to keep going! How could I do such a thing? I don't deserve to
live! *tries to slit his writs with a knife but then remembers that it won't
do anything to his chimera body* Damn! I go through this every day! I'm
just so ashamed of my body that I try to kill myself but I just can't! If
only there was a way for me to die, or better yet, a cure for my horrible
appearance! *Amelia coughs unconsciously somehow* But first I'll have to
help Amelia before she dies!
*Scene changes to Lina and Gourry*
GOURRY: More tea, Lina?
LINA: Yes, please, jellyfish! ARGH! I mean, yes, please, Gourry!
GOURRY: *to himself* Why does she keep making fun of me? Sure, I may not
always know what's going on but that's no reason to call me stupid!
Wait, maybe it is! Great! Now I'm getting confused! Some day I'll
tell Lina that I don't like the way she treats me! Then we'll get married!
Hehehehehehe...
LINA: What's so funny?
GOURRY: Our wedding!
LINA: Oh...
GOURRY: Here's your tea!
LINA: Thanks, octopus brain! Not again!
GOURRY: So how is it?
LINA: Horrible! Even a two-year-old can make tea!
GOURRY: Uh, Lina, you made the tea
LINA: And that's exactly why it's so delicious.
*Scene changes to Zelgadis and the unconscious Amelia*
*Oh, and the doctor's there, too*
ZEL: Is she OK, doc?
DOC: I'm afraid she's pregnant.
ZEL: What!?
DOC: I mean, she's dying.
ZEL: Isn't there anything you can do?
DOC: Well, I could just give her some flu medicine but it's still
experimental. She could wind up dead and that's not a risk I'm willing to take.
ZEL: But she'd die anyway!
DOC: Yes, but then it wouldn't be my fault.
ZEL: I see.
DOC: *to himself* I hate my job. Every time I tell a family the bad news
they act like it's my fault! Well, I'm not the one to blame! Why did I ever
start in this line of work? I knew it would be this way. I knew it ever
since the day my sister got her tonsils out. I was at the hospital waiting to
see Pam (that was her name) but I saw doctor talking to a mother and her
three young children. He told them that there beloved dog had passed away on
the operating table...OK, so it was really more of a vet's office than a
hospital... But just then the youngest of the children, who was only three
months old, pulled out a gun and shot the doctor. They blamed that doctor
just like they blame me now! I just wish I could-
ZEL: Uh, should I come back later?
DOC: This is supposed to be my soliloquy! You can't hear me, jerk!
ZEL: Sorry.
DOC: No! You're not sorry! It's my fault she's dying! Tell me that it's
my fault!
ZEL: It's your fault?
DOC: AH! Stop blaming me like that! You're just like everyone else!
*pulls out a gun* I'll show you!
ZEL: Listen, if you're done now, I'd like to be alone with Amelia.
DOC: Should I take the blonde girl with me?
FILIA: Amelia's my friend, too!
ZEL: Yeah, take her away.
FILIA: Zelgadis! How can you be so rude! I come to visit Amelia in the
hospital and then you just throw me out as if I'm just a piece of trash!
*to herself* It's just that I- *the doctor drags her away*
ZEL: Oh, Amelia! I'm so sorry! I never meant for this to happen! If only
you could forgive me
AMELIA: I forgive you.
ZEL: You're alive! It's a miracle!
AMELIA: Miracle? I just got a little cold that's- *dies*
ZEL: Drat!
*Scene changes to Filia*
FILIA: How dare he! From this day forward, I will seek revenge on that
ill-mannered, rock-skinned, little-
*Xellos appears*
XELLOS: Why, hello, Fillia. Sure is lovely weather we've been having.
*Looks out upon the hurricane*
FILIA: Oh! What are you doing here!? *to herself* If only I could tell him
how I truly feel. Wait! I can! *to Xellos* I have something very important
to tell you.
XELLOS: What might that be?
FILIA: I hate you, Xellos. I hate you with all my heart!
XELLOS: I've been waiting my whole life for you to say that! I feel exactly
the same way!
FILIA: What a relief!
XELLOS: Yes, now let's never meet again.
*They walk in separate directions*
*Scene changes to Lina and Gourry*
LINA: So.
GOURRY: So.
*Zelgadis runs in*
ZEL: Amelia died!
LINA: Good for her.
GOURRY: ...So...
ZEL: Just a couple minutes ago! I'm so jealous! I wanted to die! Not
her! It's not fair!
LINA: You want to die, huh? *to herself* This is the chance I've been
waiting for! I've been wanting to tell Zelgadis I love him. If I tell him
then the curse will make him die! Oh sure, I love Gourry, too, but what harm
can come from me telling Zel I love him right in front of Gourry? I mean,
they all know I'm in love with many, many
guys. Xellos...Zangalus...Jilias...some guy named Steve
AMELIA: Hey, look! The storm just cleared up! (Aru's note- Waitaminute, wasn't she just dead? O.o ZOMBIE!)
GOURRY: Yay! Let's go play in the puddles!
LINA: Hooray!
ZEL: I wish I were dead...
*Lina, Gourry, Amelia, and Zelgadis all run outside and play, totally
forgetting about Filia, and the doctor, who still plotted to shoot Zel*
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Now, wasn't that fun?
(And yes, it was overly dramatic on purpose!)
-MeowthMix